i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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