No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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