Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
