This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
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At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
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