How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
