Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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