I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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