He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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