My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
First sex of the summer I'm winning 1-0
GET HOME NOW
Oh shit
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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