i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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