i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
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