I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
