Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
Randomize
