The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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