but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
Randomize
