I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
