He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Fuck me I smell like cheese
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
