So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
Randomize
