did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
