im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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