So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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