I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
Guy, there will be accountabilities this weekend that you will need to respond to, or else.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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