Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
