Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
arkansas has a gas station called kum and go....story of my life
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
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My ATM looks so different sober.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
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