so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
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His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
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WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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