Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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