I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
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