Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
