Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
