Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
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