The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Every time you mention the threesome around him I will high five you. Do what you will with this information.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
