he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
