I always see him when I'm wearing my ripped pants. I think its because of the hole in the crotch. My vag sends out supersonic "I'm horny" waves to him. Otherwise the calls are muffled.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
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I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
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We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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