Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Also, beer. Big fan.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
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