my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
this is two weekends in a row I've been the pantsless girl at the party. I love my social life.
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
