you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Randomize
