the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
