Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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