Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i love accidental penises.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Why is your signature on my underwear?
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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