i'm signing you up for texting rehab
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Randomize
