Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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