Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
zippers are such a cool invention
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize