don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
