Apparently you make a good broom.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
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