I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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