Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
i would have smoked before this dance, how ever i have surgery Monday and I looked up weed and anesthesia and fatalities was mentioned, so i decided that it would be a bad idea
probs a good idea
i like the whole idea of life and being alive
you sure you're not high?
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
Randomize
