from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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