the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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