I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
