"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
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