Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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