If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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