I can't make any promises. I've tried my best to stay celibate. But if a guys on top of me, Im gonna tell him to stick it in.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
Randomize