youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
Randomize
