I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
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