I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Sorry about my life...
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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